Welcome to JAFAQs, a weekly series that is exactly what it sounds like: answers to the most common questions I've gotten since I started addressing my $20k of personal debt.
Do you have a question about debt, personal finance, budgeting, mental health, New York living, Sophie & Taylor's dinner date or literally anything else? Send them on over to realgirlproject@gmail.com + come back every Wednesday to see the answers.
Being-in-debt and owning it has been my online persona for just over a year now, so it’s hard to imagine a time when I kept it all quiet. But that's exactly what I did for many many … many years. Now that I'm in recovery, I'm more or less an open book, but one thing I rarely discuss in detail is … How did I get here in the first place?
In this six-part installment, I'll answer this very frequently-asked question.
This week’s JAFAQ: How the hell did you get into so much debt in the first place?
Part 1: codependency & people pleasing
For most of my life I was under the impression that I was a good communicator because my report card always said "she talks too much!". Some might say that I still do. But ask me to be honest about my feelings or something that’s bothering me and, what do you know? Suddenly I have nothing to say. What I have learned, through therapy and yes — more talking — is that talking and communicating aren’t the same thing. And the latter has, historically, felt much harder for me to do.
Because when you communicate truthfully, sometimes there’s conflict. For a codependent person (a person who puts everyone else’s needs ahead of their own), conflict is to be avoided at all costs, which leads to… many costs.
I used to think that saying “no” said something about me: namely — that I was a bad friend. Worse, I used to think declining an invitation would prevent future invites from coming. That I’d be written off. That I’d become obsolete in someone’s life.
And so, I said "yes". To everything. To dinners and parties and trips and weddings and myriad expensive things (made more expensive by the fact that most of them happened in New York). And when I didn’t have the cash to keep up, I always had a credit card.
But saying “yes” to things you don’t want to do, or agreeing to activities you can’t afford is, in fact, the opposite of being a good friend. Without clear communication, you’re not being there for them, you’re not being there for yourself, and you’re not being honest, either.
And, saying "yes" because you’re afraid of the consequences is also… not being a good friend. I’ve written countless narratives in my head for how I think things will go if I ever said "no" to any invite. Without giving anyone an opportunity to prove me otherwise, I assumed there would be confrontation or conflict. But, in real friendship, even when there are consequences, they’re not earth-shattering.
So, now when an invitation comes my way, I try and reason with the immediate “YES!” that I can feel trying to escape from the tip of my tongue. I take a beat. I ask myself: "Can I swing it? Do I want to swing it? Who am I saying yes for? Is it me?" Of course, it’s not always me — that’s what friendship is. But if it’s never me? That’s a problem.
Now it’s more “can we hang at home or meet for a drink before or after dinner instead?" OR, “I can’t tonight, but thanks for thinking of me!” OR it’s just, plain and simple, "I can’t." Your real friends aren’t going to question what's right for you.
My therapist once said: An invitation is a question, not a demand. If it feels like a demand, it’s not an invitation. That concept fundamentally changed my understanding of friendship.
And a friend once said: I’d rather feel a little bit guilty than a lot of resentment. That concept fundamentally changed my relationship with the word "no".
Getting into debt isn't a simple mathematical equation. It involves friendships, boundaries and self-worth. For the next six weeks, I'll be highlighting another reason why I got into "so much debt in the first place."
These next six installments of JAFAQs are brought to you in partnership with Debt Heads, the larger audio project we’ve been working on that explores these topics in more detail. Check out some of the work we’ve already done on Spotify, Apple Podcasts or right here on Jamie AF.
XOXOXOX