What's the best time to shower?
hacking our way through the day
The other night I was scrolling TikTok - it was maybe 3 or 4 in the morning, and I'm pretty sure I wasn't wearing my glasses, in case that helps explain the rest of the story.
My algorithm delivers a mix of random beauty rituals, philosophical and/or political commentary, and a lot of sketch comedy. This unlikely combination might explain how I reacted to the first video that popped into my feed.
Titled “Why You Shouldn’t Shower Before Bedtime,” it begins with a youngish but dignified British “CEO” speaking very earnestly about the perils of showering before sleep. Ostensibly this is his podcast, and he is interviewing what appears to be a sleep expert.
“Often I have a shower and I go straight to bed after.” He asks with mild confusion on his deadpan face, “Is that … good? … Or … bad?”
She responds to his query with a hint of smug satisfaction and explains exactly why he should not, under any circumstance, shower before sleep.
“I would encourage you to shift that timing (patronizing smile) a little bit earlier into the night.”
She proceeds to explain in great detail for a full SIXTY-FIVE seconds why he should - “Shift that shower or bath to an hour and a half earlier.”
Her response is replete with directional hand gestures, a cadence slow enough for any preschool-aged child to follow along, and the use of the words “shift that shower” no less than FIVE times.
This was the most scathingly believable parody takedown of a nonsensical, self-serious, pop-science, bro-positive, navel-gazing, interminable “wellness” video-podcast that I had ever seen.
I could not believe how good the acting was. I watched it three times, in stitches, then immediately sent it to Jamie. The next morning I could barely wait to hear her reaction.
"Did you see the video I sent?" a dumb grin plastered to my eager face.
"No. What?"
"Oh my god. You have got to see this right now. It's the funniest, most realistic joke video I’ve ever seen about wellness podcasts. I cannot believe how good these people are. You won't believe it. It's comedy genius. Who is this sketch team?"
I handed her the phone as I began to LOL in anticipation of her watching the masterpiece. She sat, holding the phone, face in a mild smirk, then glanced up with a sort of sympathetic but pitying smile and said:
"I hate to say this to you, but I don't think this is a joke. This is a real podcast."
"What?!” I screamed “That's crazy. No it's not. How can they be talking about showers before bed in this amount of detail?"
She confirmed the truth by holding up Spotify. Diary of a CEO has been running nearly 2-hour-long podcast episodes since 2017 and was in the top 10 podcasts of 2023 according to Spotify. It has over 7 million followers.
First I was embarrassed for myself. Why didn’t I know about this clearly very popular and successful podcast when I am supposedly in the podcast game?
Then I was sad for myself. I would never get to see this comedy duo flex their improv muscles again.
Then I was embarrassed and sad for this podcast and for our entire society. Because …
THIS SHOULD BE PARODY.
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This state of affairs in which we are inundated with so much content, leaves us struggling to discern between what’s real, what’s a joke, and what anything even means anymore. It’s ... kind of fun? And mostly exhausting.
Take this other recent example of a promo video featuring Jamie's former boss, Ariana Huffington. Initially, we thought this promo for the “Live Laugh Love” foundation was an SNL digital short. But no, this foundation is not a plaque found at TJ Maxx, and this video is all real, baby.
FWIW, “Live Laugh Love” appears to be doing meaningful work in the mental health space, but we were immediately distracted by the dramatically cinematic score and the vague series of platitudes Huffington shares as if she were a mighty eagle, doling out the morning’s morsels to us hungry baby birds.
For example:
“Life is a dance between making it happen and letting it happen.”
“Sometimes the things that go wrong open doors for things that go spectacularly right.”
“Small, tiny, daily changes lead to sustainable healthy habits.”
And our personal favorite:
“The most important frontier is not outer space, it’s … (BUM BUM BUM) inner space.”
But the pièce de resistance is the dynamic perspectives between the moderator and Ariana.
They appear to be in two different places, having two different conversations – but wait, suddenly the moderator is nodding. So, are they talking to each other? Are they on a Zoom call? Are either of them real?
Which brings us to this week. On Wednesday we published a silly little commentary on consumers over-consuming, producers over-producing, and the demoralizing state of affiliate marketing journalism.
We thought - wouldn't it be funny to think of the most obscure topics to make fake listicles and see if people want to click on them?
Among the ideas were: the top 100 dollars in my bank account, the 837 best mustards for 2024 – genius revelations!
Finally, we landed on our favorite of all: The 10 best trees. LOL!
Then the very next day, right there on the front page of the digital New York Times was a listicle, that – we shit you not – was titled:
New York Has 7 Million Trees. Here Are 120 Great Ones.
!!!
We love the Parks Department. And we love trees even more.
And we’re not trying to be haters (though it comes so naturally!) We’re out here trying to make content just like everyone else. But it’s a little concerning when even us unfortunately-often-online people are having a hard time discerning between reality and parody.
Listicles, self-improvement podcasts, glorified clichés delivered by “experts” sell better than sex and violence. As a culture, we’re obsessed with self-improvement, we’re obsessed with “living our best lives”. We’re obsessed with simplified messages and the top things to do/see/be/think. We’re obsessed with … ourselves! So much so that everything has become completely absurd.
Does anyone really need to know the optimal time to shower?
It all makes us want to walk into the forest, pick a favorite tree, and sit there until the end of time.
And for the record, this is the best tree:
For something that definitely doesn't feel like parody, check out Mark Duplass's Penelope and his happy missive about its success.
