Week One

Seven days down, $18k(ish) of credit card debt to go.

$659.29. On restaurants. In a month.

I am sitting in an armchair in my friend Rachel’s office adding all my transactions from the last three months into the budgeting software system she introduced me to. She has spent the better part of the past two days talking me off the edge over my credit card debt and showing me what budgeting looks like. I have spent the better part of the last 20 minutes staring at, but not quite processing, the May totals.

There was that $160 dinner in the Hamptons. $60 drinks and snacks (three pieces of cheese & a couple of erratically splayed Craisins, if I remember correctly) in Union Square. A $117 birthday dinner in Downtown Brooklyn. $98 for a Vietnamese smorgasbord in Park Slope so large it prompted me to, on principle, take all the leftovers — mine and everyone else’s — to go.

This, despite the fact that we were heading straight to a Taylor Swift DJ set (exactly what it sounds like) immediately following dinner. I hid the big, brown bag of takeout under a chair, came back to find it still there when I left the venue, and walked it all the way home at 2:00 AM.

Actually pretty proud of that one.

Oh, and this is all not counting the $196.62 I spent on iced coffee (overpr-iced coffee? Is this anything?) during that same month. Cold brews and iced oat lattes I “needed” in addition to the $15 I spend per month to have a fancy ground coffee subscription sent to my house.

What can I say, nothing thrills me like the feeling of condensation and plastic on my palm in the morning.

I was raised to love good food — and raised to love eating it in restaurants. I have a memory of being roughly six years old, shoveling fat pieces of raw fish dipped in soy sauce into my mouth with my dad at a little sushi spot in our neighborhood in Queens. I have multiple happy memories of slurping down noodles in the basement at Wo Hop in Chinatown after one of the many times my parents toted me along with them to Tramps, the blues club they frequented when I was a kid.

And the memories of these more recent meals are good ones, too. Time spent with friends and old co-workers, cracking into that giant box of takeout in my kitchen in my underwear after losing my sh*t to ‘1989’ remixes for five hours.

All of the memories are good, and exclusively good, because I have largely blocked out the one bad, painful part: I can’t actually afford it.

New York brainwashed me into thinking $100 on a dinner is “not that bad for everything we got!” And COVID brainwashed me into thinking that yes, of course I deserve to buy myself expensive wine as often as I want.

But I can’t blame New York or COVID or really any one person or thing. The truth is, I have been living outside my means for a long time. It’s not just the meals. It’s not just all the weddings (so many weddings). It’s not just being perpetually single while trying to keep up with peers who are A) making more money and B) splitting costs with a partner.

It’s not just refusing to get rid of my cable for the four nights a year that there are awards shows and the one time every four years that the summer Olympics happen. It’s not just my fault because I don’t know how to manage money or for getting laid off and it’s not just Chase’s fault for giving me a high credit limit and letting me run off with it (actually yeah that part is its fault. F*ck banks!!)

It’s not just the trips I went on to Europe when I had single digits in my checking account or the $600 I spent on two bathing suits because “they’re the only ones I like on me!” (I returned one already, don’t worry).

It’s all of it. It’s, like other things I have had to confront about my life in adulthood, something I have tried to avoid in hopes that it will resolve itself. But I can’t avoid it anymore.

This week I start a 10-week course aptly named Heal Your Relationship With Money taught by AJ Wolbrum (check her out here). I’ll be spending that time likely confronting a lot more uncomfortable truths and hopefully learning how to get — and stay out — of this debt situation for good.

But I felt a change coming the second I got a glimpse of that restaurant total. So, I gave myself a challenge - no restaurants or shopping for the entire month of July. 11 days in, I’ve managed to stick to it. I’ve been documenting the journey over on TikTok where I have also been able to connect with other people in similar situations to mine (if you found your way here through there, hello! Welcome! I love you!)

@realgirlprojectDay 7/31 was basically a tour of my favorite #brooklyn things: Movies, Wegmans, free summer events & @Rachel Webster419 💖💖 #budgeting #debtfreejourney #summer

Tiktok failed to load.

Enable 3rd party cookies or use another browser

I made the painful decision to cancel a trip to the west coast for a friend’s wedding that I had been looking forward to. I panic canceled a dinner out with a friend that was scheduled for just a few hours later when the shock of the $659 set in. None of it felt good, but it did feel right.

I have been honest (what a concept) with the people in my life about my financial situation and am so overwhelmed by the support I’ve received. It’s scary to tell the truth or suddenly declare you’re no longer going to be doing things you’ve never appeared to have any issue with doing. But there has been no judgment, no questions. I’ve gone to the beach, on walks, to the movies, to free movies in the park, and on more walks. I’ve eaten a lot of peanut butter and jellies. I have felt so grateful for the people I love and the beautiful aspects of my life that have nothing to do with spending money. Who knew.

I talk a lot on the internet (I talk a lot in general), but in my personal life, I have, at times, been known to avoid conflict out of fear that my feelings might ruin a friendship or relationship. Yet every time I confront an issue head on (I’m getting better at it), I end up feeling closer to the other person and less isolated than I did before.

Sharing the reality of my credit card debt has offered me that same, freeing feeling. I am not running away from it anymore, and for the first time, it feels like maybe I can handle it.

I’ll be sharing weekly dispatches here, but please feel free to reach out if you want to talk about debt, or recipes, or PB&J, or joining the restaurant/shopping challenge, or anything at all.

XO, JAF

.